We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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