and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
