I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
