the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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