It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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