Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
