I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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