At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
