do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
