I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish you could order shots online.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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