Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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