literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
