Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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