Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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