i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
