I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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