just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize