That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
