I just made out with a guy for $7.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize