I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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