You really coming over, don't trick.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
