haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
