Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
