I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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