I'm eating all of the evidence.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
