if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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