I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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