The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
