You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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