Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
