i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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