I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
