so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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