If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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