I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize