I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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