It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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