There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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