I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
