Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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