Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
