My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
