Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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