my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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