Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize