I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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