I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
