I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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