I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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