every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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