At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
