____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
