Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I will die if light touches me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
