It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
