how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
