so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize