someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
