im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize