At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
