the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize