I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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