she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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