i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
