Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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