note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
