david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
