I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
