please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
