tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
