I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
