all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
